How did I end up wanting to be “caught” by a married man?
How does someone end up here?
I remember reading the first, second, third, fourteenth, message over and over again. Yup, that’s how long our conversation were in a matter of moments.
The messages came in fast and furious.
He proposed I rejected.He praised I attempted to act like I didn’t care. He reminded me of his earlier pursuits and how relentless he could be. I told him I was under new management- but even then I don’t think I sounded convincing and I honestly did not want him convinced.
He cajoled, I feebly made attempts to push him away.
I was flirting with him, I was past (I think I was) caring because it felt so good. My heart wanted to burst into tiny little bubbles floating away joyfully away into the skies and to never be caught.
At one point he asked me to think about his proposal. He wanted me to date him-he wanted a mistress-plain and simple and he had chosen me. Oh he did. Oh fairest and prettiest damsel of thee all, O that luck would fall on thee fair and lovely one. (tongue in cheek)
I was to think about it and that he would call me sometime. I didn’t know how familiar I was with the qwerty keyboard until that day, because I texted back in lightening speed, volunteered myself to meet him for coffee “just to talk”. A part of me couldn’t take a risk of him thinking I wasn’t interested. I couldn’t risk that “sometime”…what if it never materialized?
Here was the proverbial lamb leading itself to a slaughter house.
After all it was “only just going to be coffee”…Ahem!
Was I giving of myself behind a cunningly crafted charade of having coffee… “just to talk”? No way I could do that. I was too intelligent for that. (or not).
After I had convinced him to give me time to work- because it appeared as if this exchange had the potential of going on the whole day, he signed off with a promise of calling me up soonest so that we could meet.
I grinned. I smiled. I reread the entire thread in flesh and in every humanly acceptable form.
I was invincible.
I comfortably reclined back on my seat and began thinking to myself how all this was suddenly possible.
I actually for more than a split of a second there caught myself thinking how we could actually pull this off. It could work.
I mean I gave it a thought. No. Thoughts. Serious thoughts.
I never thought I was this desperate. But then again who said anything about being desperate?
I never thought I would be enticed by a married man as a born again Christian.
But here I was planning, scheming and conniving with myself how to date a married man. If they had a “How to date a married man for dummies” I would have been on it.
And there you are wondering how wicked can one get.
And there was Jeremiah saying in Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
I thought of the benefits that would come with it. Yes.
Someone to talk to, finally. Yaay!
One that I didn’t have any obligations to. How easy can life get?
Economic benefits. Didn’t they say nothing is for free?
– Well only Jesus.
I could finally afford some good things- Oh! but at what cost you asked? Well it didn’t matter then. Consequences were nowhere near my mind.
I’m I still (at this point) born again you must be asking?
Yes. Washed by the precious Blood of the Lamb.
I do not own the exclusive rights to the Blood- neither do you nor the next person-but struggles don’t negate the power of the Blood.
I went home knowing that day, that there was a possibility of an affair coming my way and I wasn’t fazed even one bit.
As I sat down for my evening devotions- yes I did-I was doing it to “fulfill all righteousness”. I mean how else would I be sitting down for devotions?
I cannot for the love of God remember what part of scripture I was reading that day, but as I pretended to read the Word, I felt like God was waiting for us to have a conversation.
I have this knack of being honest especially when talking to God. I mean He knows us too well, better than we ourselves, so why hide stuff from Him anyways. Right?
I felt like He (God) was sitting across my table, tapping His fingers on the table, wondering patiently when I would get on with the program and open up about it.
He wasn’t mad. He just wanted us to talk. And I finally talked to Him.
“Father, I like this,…I like the attention, it feels good- I haven’t had this in years. I am thriving on this. I am getting ready to walk down this road. I know it’s wrong in all ways. I do. I was brought up better. I also know that You say that it is death to put asunder those you have joined together- here I am ready to rent asunder this union- in spite of and despite of your Word. I don’t think I can help myself…I don’t even think I want to help myself…”
And then right then, right in His presence I bawled my eyes out.
I was broken to be mended.
Hey! I need to stop there. I promise to finish this in the next post where I will be sharing how God dealt with me and what lessons I learned from this entire encounter.
P.S: I am so encouraged by all those of you who have talked to me or shared their experiences with me privately. I get asked a lot how I am able to share all this personal stuff, but I realized a long time ago that whatever I have been able to go through and overcome is under the Blood.-Does the Blood give me freedom to mess around? No. But it gives me the liberty to turn my messes to messages!
I sure hope you were blessed.
As always; stick to your lane, run the race with the zeal to see His glorious face. Oh what a glorious day it will be.