So I recently discovered that my one and only Brother X is currently “seeing someone”.
Can you just believe the audacity of this brother? Doesn’t he know that I have been prostrated before the all consuming Living God day and night constantly calling out for him to “see me”. Well if by now you do not know of my history with Brother X, I would suggest you go back a few posts for a proper “introduction”.
However allow me to put it to you this way; Brother X is the Brother who stole my all my vital organs. He had my kidneys, my liver and above all my lungs. You see every time I saw him my lungs would have to function a little more faster than usual. Don’t even ask about my heart because he had my arteries and the valves too! I tell you this brother had it all and he chose to repay me this way?! Talk about an ungrateful brother (pun intended).
Here I am, in this self created dilemma. You see Brother X did not know – and I am so grateful in retrospect that he never got to know– and does not know to date how my world rotated around him and here I was broken because of this news that I had just received.
Anyway let’s me tell you how it all begun.
It was on a warm sunny afternoon, it was a lazy day for me as I didn’t have much planned. I met an old friend of mine and we were playing catch up. You know those random conversations that women have? Well I don’t know how we moved from hair color to what she casually says next “Ah, by the way, do you know Brother X in church is currently dating someone…”
And just like that she breaks all my vital organs into tiny small pieces!
My ears became so hot, and my mouth dried up in an instant. It suddenly became too hot for me and the cup of tea I was drinking suddenly tasted like cardboard.
I will actually bless the Lord forever for my skin color, because this friend of mine did not see how fast color drained off my face! I nearly fainted! I am serious. I do not know what we discussed after that, or how long we talked, all I can recall is managing to mumble throughout the rest of our time together but I couldn’t connect the dots after that. Time with her has never been so long!
“Oh My Lord, oh my good Lord!” I had so many conflicting thoughts running through my mind and just needed time to process what she had “casually” let out. You see she knows about Brother X, but did not know his identity.
(insert here: laughing hard- and I mean the emoticon that has tears coming out because of laughing so hard!) ha!
Finally! Our conversation and time together came to an end, I quickly bade her goodbye because I had to get to a quiet place and replay what she had said.
How do you even begin to process what I have just been told?
By now you know that for me Brother X was not your regular “crush”, I had actually invested in him. I’ve written letters to him and shared them with everyone else but him!
Who does that?
(laugh out loud! I won’t judge you- but God is seeing you! ha ha ha!)
I have prayed to God and had many conversations with God concerning him. I have written about him in my journals and always thought of how awkward it would be if I actually ended up being married by someone else 😊. I have had conversations with him in my head and I knew this had a 70% chance of being a solid YES! from God.
Over time I had been able to tone down my obsession to an “acceptable” level, where I wasn’t consumed by him for the entire week, but only became fixated on him on Sunday morning and more so when we’d bump into each other and he’d say hi. Oh! Weren’t those by far the hardest weeks?!
Back to my predicament, I get to my house and I shoot a quick message to my best friend.
The axis to my world has by now been rotating a little bit faster than the rest of the world. My heart rate increased, my lungs uncoordinated and my thoughts moving way too fast! Nothing about me is normal; in fact I think my vision actually got blurry!
“I reject that evil report”! Responded my best friend when she got my messages, – don’t you just love these kinds of friends. They’ll always know what to say and how to say it! They always have your back! A quick succession of comforting messages come through from her, she tells me how she is going to be reporting to the throne room on my behalf interceding for a few things to change about the situation which I shall not repeat here. Sister Code!
It’s quiet, everyone who needs to be asleep in my house has gone to sleep and I can finally “think & process” what my friend had so casually informed me.
I know how absurd this post may sound like, but you haven’t invested in someone who doesn’t know!
(Insert smiley blushing face- again remember God is seeing you laugh at me, as you read this).
I do not recall a time in my adult christian walk with God when I weeped and laughed at the same time like I did that day.
Do you know how you know in your head that you have no rights over something, but yet your heart tells you how entitled you were to it?Well it doesn’t make sense right? Well it wasn’t going to make sense anyway.
I laughed because I found it so hilarious that I was angry at a brother who ironically did not even have a whim of an idea that I liked him so much to the extent that he had “broken” my heart. I cried because my heart was honestly aching and I could not understand why “he would do this to me”.
Poor guy has no idea how he’d “upset” me!
Do you see the irrationality of it all?
I wanted to know “why” God would “allow” this to happen to me. After all haven’t I waited faithfully for Him to bring me my mate? Ain’t I the poster child for waiting faithfully?- didn’t He have a “happily forever after for me?”
I lingered in His presence, I pleaded, I bargained…I laughed, I cried & I must admit that after all I have seen in my life, I sincerely love my Father of Lights because He embraces me when I am at my worst. God allows me to process my emotions in His presence because He knows me only too well. That night He never spoke, never dropped a Word in my heart BUT I experienced His arms literally holding me as I sobbed my heart out. His is the sweetest embrace you’ll ever need to know.
I finally managed to sleep that night, well more of finally falling asleep because of an exhausted mind.
Next morning I woke up with a “hung over” heart.
How do I move on from here?
I called my sisters & it’s amazing how in the midst of the drama, they saw the crazy but still encouraged me! We all need sisters!
It finally dawned on me that I just had to reach out to my greatest ally on this earth, I needed to pour out my heart to a woman who I consider my mother, sister & friend all of this wrapped up in one. This was the woman who was the first person in my life to ever utter the words “I believe in you” to me.
I knew she would get me, because she knows me. And get me she did.
Of course she first had a good laugh about it, and I am glad she did because I expected her to and she was true to herself. You see she knows who Brother X is. To her, Brother X has a face, Brother X has name, has a real job and a real life.
And what this precious woman of God told me is the reason why I knew I had to share my very intimate experience with the rest of you.
Please look out for the second and last part of this post in my next blog post as I share what this precious woman of God told me, empowering me to run my race with such strength and grace in the midst of it all.
As always I am rooting for you!
Run your race, keep it real to the end to see His glorious face.