The laughter finally settled down, she made it clear she wasn’t laughing at me but was laughing with me.
For her the joke was on the guy not even knowing what had happened to me.
My mother, friend, sister poured her heart out to me. Out of the long conversations there are things that stood out for me which were the spirit behind the post.
- It is OK to like someone!
Now anyone who really knows me will tell you for free, it takes a long time and I mean a really long time for me to like someone.
And the first time I heard Brother X talk was way back in 2012 & you should have seen how this sister’s jaw hit the floor- because I was really impressed with how knowledgeable he was.
You see I am attracted to men who can challenge me intellectually!
Yes I used “attracted” ! And Yes I am born again, Holy Ghost filled, demon chasing, sharing the gospel kinda of fiery sister.
But for some reason back then, I kept the liking to myself for the longest because I assumed that a saved chick should sit leg crossed and mouth shut tight without giving any inclinations of what she found to be attractive.
But hey! That’s not true. It’s OK to see and like a brother. All this made me realize how (legit) normal I was and there was nothing wrong with my system; especially the lungs
2. Fixating is plain down wrong
I will be honest enough to say, I actually thought I had this whole thing under control only to realize how wrong I was. You see by this whole saga unraveling, I had a serious wake-up call on how deep I had gone!
Did you know you can obsesses over someone to the extent that it affects the state of your mind & you eventually begin to carry yourself as already “taken?” So that when people who ordinarily would be interested in you, tend to keep off because they get the vibe that you are already committed elsewhere.
And that right up there was news to me!
I had never thought of it that way. It’s like I had a husband in my mind. I had eyes only for this man and no one else.
He had become my personal yard stick to the“ideal man”.
Let’s not even kid about it, Brother X is a fine(eeee!) looking brother & I won’t stand here and pretend he’s turned ugly overnight (especially now because I know he’s dating someone) No.
But allowing him to dominate my thoughts and life was a great disservice to myself and to what God was doing around me.
3. Surrender it all to Jesus & begin the process of “forgetting” Brother X
I recall the last letter I wrote about Brother X. I so needed to surrender him to God. I now realize that I had actually done nothing of the sort.
I still clung to him with every fiber of my being.
In surrendering to God, I had to let him go, I was saying good bye to my emotions and gradually accepting to moving on.
And this friend, has been the hardest part of it.
You see, I can lie to you that I have overcome 100%, but I cannot lie to myself and above all to God.
This is where I am currently at, progressively in the process.
I have had roughly round about 2 months to work on it, and I am so proud of myself and how far I have come.
God’s been working with me on this teaching me daily about total submissiveness and total surrender to His sovereign will.
He’s got incredible plans for me.
You see it’s hard to surrender something that never was, but God is good because He knows exactly what was in my mind.
It was hard to start, challenging to yield to God, a part of me thought God was denying me this man and I wondered why He would withhold from me this one thing that I saw as “good”! Doesn’t His Word say all good and perfect gifts come from Him?
But the greater lesson has been in trusting Him, in knowing that He knows me better than I do.
God has the bigger picture, I don’t.
The sessions with God have been life changing- vital lessons have been learned in this season.
I am at a much better place now.
I’m I a 100% over this person? No. Will I get 100% over him? 100% YES! Chiefly because I am required to move on with my life.
Does part of me wish that it would work out for us like eventually? OH YES!
Do I cling on to that hope that someday it might? OH NO!
Over the few decades that God’s allowed me to be on this earth, I have grown confident in one thing and one thing alone: God’s faithfulness over my life.
Every season I am in makes me stronger, wiser, exposes my areas of weakness and helps me work with Him in becoming a better person.
As I end this post I need you to know that the reason I laid myself bare was to let you know that when God allows things to happen to us there is always something in there for us. Its hard to see what God’s doing because we are right in the middle of it, but trust me there is always a plan: either grow, learn, see ourselves for who we truly are but above all, so that we can draw strength from Him to become better sons and daughter so that we can reach out to others with His love.
The space time and vital organs occupied by Brother X are successively being taken over by the Word of God and Jesus the Lover of my soul.
I am learning to love on Jesus even more. I wake up more excited each day to see what God has in store for me. I value my every day more, I have a dance in my step because I know that I have not even began to see what God has in store for me. Remember all this doesn’t magically just happen, I purpose to make it happen- especially when I fell the aches wanting to tug at my heart!
Lastly, I know you must be asking if I am broken because of this whole drama that I went through. People will ask me this question in many polite ways “don’t you feel embarrassed, pouring out your life to everyone just like that?” And my answer has always been this – God in His wisdom created me this way, He wired me to be very honest, blunt and downright plain open with my life to others and only He knows the reason why.
I am naked and never for one minute ashamed!
I am loved by an amazing God.
God’s unending love gives me the freedom to live under GRACE.
As always, I am rooting for you!
Run the race that is associated with you.
In his amazing love!